Crazymaker Archives - Dora Sislian Themelis Art

The Time of the Crazymaker

The weather has not been cooperative here lately. Rain, clouds, cold, more rain, so not to my liking. Someone I know said something about the weather being “crispy.” Nope. Crispy weather is hot and humid, the way I like it. People like New York in the fall, and the winter time, but my favorite is a New York summer. You know, you can keep “Autumn in New York.” I like the way Frank Sinatra sang it, but I just don’t want to think about what’s coming around the corner.

So I’m having a tough week. Annoying watercolor painting and lousy weather, a horrible combination. To top it all off, the Crazymaker has made an appearance again. Not gonna be fun.

When I was reading The Artist’s Way course and Walking in This World, there was the mention of the Crazymaker, how to deal with him, and keep fighting resistance. Those courses helped me stay in creativity mode and to remember it’s the process not the result. But there are those that upset the proverbial apple cart, the individual who can throw you off your art path.

The Crazymaker, the Opportunist, makes your life not your own. One spends time with them and not working the creativity. Sound familiar to anyone? They act supportive, but it’s a ruse to usurp your talent. If you mentioned it they would balk and say “Who me?” A whole day can be ruined while on a wild goose hunt. The pay-off is you don’t work and remember the things you wanted to create that day and didn’t. They are not your good mirror.

It’s been a long while and my brain has been quiet, happily so. My time is my own. No running, long phone calls with nothing being said, or wasted time. Time away turned into artist dates with myself. I chose whom to spend my time with or be alone. I breathe. I am creative on my own terms. Had it continued I would not be as creative as I have. I feel good. I feel strong. Privacy is a good thing.

There was a reason and they appeared. I could ignore or give in. If I pick up again I’d be the stupid one. There is no way I’m going backwards at this point. Moving forward is the only option. When you taste freedom you just don’t want to go back to jail. I’ll ignore.

Not Now…What a Concept!

I found some time to read Week 6- Discovering a Sense of Boundaries in Walking in This World, even with the whole Easter/Lent thing. Only one day did I completely forget the morning pages. I know this course advocates taking a daily walk, but I’m not doing it. It’s not winter any more, the weather has become beautiful, and I still haven’t walked. I’ll get there, eventually. But I feel the need to keep studying so that’s what I continue to do.

This chapter talked about the practice of containment, finding the right “mirror”, and keeping creativity safe. Not easy. Keep ideas to yourself instead of talking to just anyone about the work we’re doing. Talking to the wrong people uses our creative power and it may not be appropriate to discuss work with just anyone. Our ideas are valuable and if you show a project too early or hear the wrong comments, we may ditch it. Art needs a place to live, a safe container, a roof and walls for privacy, so shut the F up about what you’re working on. Basically, that was the idea.

Besides containing our ideas, we need to protect those fledgling ideas from the outside world. People, activities, to-do lists, can be overstimulating and the result is stress from sensory overload. Bells were going off while I read this.

How many times do you get a chance to read in print what was happening to you in real life? Like I said in that previous post, Bingo! Again and again! We need to find a way to cope with the “ceaseless inflow and outflow of distractions, distress, attention and emotional involvement” of people, places, things. This is so true. There was way too much chaos and static in my environment and my head.

The chapter goes on to say that artists are generous people, but we can be susceptible to others’ pain and need. We can try to pull away, but feel guilty and risk our “creative energy to ebb out of our life and into theirs”! Is this a Wow moment or what? “This creates exhaustion, irritation and rage.” I could relate. Whether aware of it or not this shut down my own art working.

Setting boundaries is the focus. Contain and protect ideas and creative energy. Dump the bad stuff and the hangers on. Get a secretary to shield time and space like executives do. Well, I don’t think I’m getting a secretary any time soon, although it sounds great. I’ve stepped away, but if I knew then what I know now I may have protected my sanity, my art and just said “Not now”.

Hey, Who Used my Creative Checkbook?

I’m still moving along in the latest Artist’s Way coursework with the book, Walking in This World, by Julia Cameron, albeit very slowly. Some days I read the next chapter, do some tasks, and other days I forget about it altogether. I blew off the morning pages Sunday morning, not because I didn’t feel like writing, but because I went to church for Palm Sunday with my family. By the time I realized I didn’t write my pages it was late afternoon and time to plan dinner. Too many people were around (my husband and my son!) for me to sit in my favorite spot without having them ask me what I’m doing, what’s it about. “Just go mind your own business” doesn’t work and having to defend myself gives me stress.

Today I wrote the pages. Afterwards I read chapter 5, Discovering a Sense of Personal Territory: Caretaking vs Sexuality. It’s not what you’re thinking, ok. It’s about the feeling you can’t stay away from creativity, the excitement, adventure and even the dangerous quality of wanting to create, and doing it again and again. Well, it’s an interesting point. You get the idea. If we, as artists, are asked to “mother” our friends/family/colleages we become desensualized, neutered, and feel used. Our relationships with others can either make or break our relationship with our art. We need that good mirror for our art to flourish.

As I read on there was alot of putting ourselves first talk. Being ‘selfish enough’ is being ‘self protective’, as in saying no to invitations and situations that don’t serve us. Now things were starting to click about here. I came to a paragraph entitled Energy Debts, and read “any relationship that risks your artist’s identity is not self-loving”.

Bingo!

Recently I connected with a “Crazymaker” who, for years, I allowed to effectively keep me from my art. I won’t go into why I made the connection, but I did. Rather than have all kinds of bad things said about me behind my back I casually connected. Probably won’t stop talk from happening, but whatever.

While always praising my creative ability to no end, they may have been jealous of it, and distracted me from it. I let it happen thinking we were good friends, having fun, helping each other through things, but when it comes down to it I wasn’t painting or making time for me and my art while they were around.

I realize now that I was not spending my time wisely, didn’t have a good mirror in this relationship, and was not authentic to myself. Yeah, this person liked to prop me up and tell me how good an artist I was, but it wasn’t real, it was control. I started to say NO and they were put off by it.

Slowly, quietly, I began to step back. Did I really need to hear from them 5 times in a day or each time I logged on to the computer? No. Did I need to get swept up in their drama? No. Was it worth it losing my time to run around with them doing everything but painting? No. They were using me for their own agenda and when I woke up from that fog I began to set boundaries. And I’m a bad person now? I don’t think so.

Things with a Crazymaker will never get set to rest, just pushed to the side where it belongs, not in my general vicinity or else the whirlwind of that drama-filled stuff will try to take over again. Why “give someone without scruples, your creative checkbook so they can run willy-nilly spending it all?” I’m not buying that cheap stuff any longer. When you wear Manolo’s, there’s no going back to PayLess, get it? Ain’t happening.

I deserve better than that which I allowed myself to endure for the sake of pseudo friendship. Done, so done.

It’s Wednesday. Want to make something out of it?

Remember yesterday when I said I didn’t want any surprises? Well, as soon as I say I don’t want something, I get that which I didn’t want, an annoying surprise. The Universe doesn’t hear the word “don’t” and gives it to me anyway. Go figure.

Nothing big happened. Just a little thing I found out about a “Crazymaker” I know and it just gets my goat! Arggg!

However, in reading The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron writes that “anger is a map”. She suggests that anger points the direction, anger is a tool, anger is meant to be acted on not acted out. When acted on, anger is use-full.

Today I’m using that emotion to push ahead to do the things I’m thinking about doing. Instead of thinking I’m doing. Today is the day for action.