What’s the Rush?

I must slow down my progress on this garden painting.  I’m trying to figure out why I’m in such a rush while painting.  Where’s the fire, huh?  I don’t take into account that I’m working with a medium that needs to dry somewhat before I keep throwing more paint in an area.  What’s that word?  Impatient?  I feel like I want to see results while I’m  painting, but with these watercolors I’m learning I need to wait just a bit or there’s going to be mud, not color and form.  While I was working on this I had to stop myself from continuing. 

Is it that I’m working from life that gives me a sense of urgency?  The idea that I’m present and ready, let’s get it down before I lose the feeling?  I don’t get that sense when I work from my photos.  No, with photos I get too detail-y.  Maybe it’s the idea in my head that time and light is fleeting?

When I paint from life I forget where I am and it’s a good feeling.  But I push it and keep painting like a mindless robot, just adding color, shadow, lines, water, with out of body movements.  As I wake from my painting stupor, I look at the work I did and think, “Ok, you did it again and messed it up! Idiot.”  Some how I don’t tear up the work and I just leave it tossed aside discarded like the trash, but not in the trash.  Later on while passing by on my way to another room I see it and think “Oh that’s how it looks now?  How come it’s not as bad as I thought?”  Things seem to work.

Funny thing is I always forget that it’s the process not the outcome.  Why is that?  I wish I could figure out how my brain works.  How long does it take to grow up?